The Great Snake Escape

I am terrified of snakes. Terrified. I cannot even stand to look at them on television or in books. I don't like to run over them with my car or even look at dead ones in the road. I also close my car's sunroof if I need to drive under any trees since my mind says that a snake could fall from the tree and land in my car. I have been called crazy a few times.

I decided to take out the trash last night. After emptying all the trash cans in the house, I turn on the porch light and start walking across the porch toward the trash rebel. After taking 2 or 3 steps, I stop, drop the bags of trash, and begin screaming. I thought it was more of a squeal, but Mama assured me that it was a scream. My sore throat also confirmed the scream. After hearing me scream, Mama said she expected to find a dead body on the porch.

Mama came running and this was the conversation:

Mama: "What is it?!! What is it?!!"
Me: "It's a SNAKE!!"
Mama: "Is it dead?"
Me: "Oh, no!"
Mama: "Don't let it in the house! Close the door!"
Me: "Mama, do something!!"
Mama: (sticking her head out the front door) "Where is it?"
Me: "Over there!"
Mama: "Where?"
Me: "Over there!!"
Mama: (pointing at a piece of pinestraw) "There?"
Me: "NO!! RIGHT THERE!"
Mama: "Oh, ok. I'll go get the shovel."
Me: "I'll go get it! Please don't let it get in the house!"
Mama: "Oh, Gawd, Katherine! Just go get the shovel!"

Note: I'm still not completely convinced that she actually saw it.

I run through the house to the garage, grab the shovel, and head back to the front door. Mama headed back to her room to get some shoes. I hand her the shovel. She heads back to the porch and peeks around the door to where the snake was. Naturally, he's no longer there. Mama taps the shovel on the ground and taps the side of the house, but he's not coming out. I've closed the glass door and am standing behind the wood door, peeking around the corner. Mama stands on the porch for a minute and keeps looking for him. I'm nearly in tears, begging her to come back in the house.

She leaves the shovel on the porch and comes back in. She really wanted to find him. I really wanted her to find him. After taking out the trash, she closes the glass door and the wood door. I make her guard the door so I can grab tape to "seal" the door so the snake can't get in the house. Mama told me I was crazy, but she obliged.

After taping the front door, I taped all other exterior doors in case that naughty snake tried to come through another door! Mama watched and kept telling the dogs how crazy their mother is. I assured her I was doing this because I love them and didn't want that monster snake to eat the dogs. I could hear the neighbor's dogs barking and I told Mama that they were probably being eaten at that very moment. Mama said I should have stomped him when I had the chance. I told her I was wearing foam flip-flops and she said "So?".

I think I slept a total of two hours last night. I kept seeing that snake in my head and just knew that he was plotting with his friends on how to get in the house. I convinced myself that every sound I heard was the snake crawling around in my bedroom. No, I'm not crazy.

When I headed to work this morning, Mama had to check out the porch and assure me all was clear. I then RAN to my car and yelled for her to re-tape the door since I just knew that snake was still trying to get in.

I'm beginning to calm down, but snakes freak me out. I described the size of the snake to Justin and he assured me that a twelve inch snake that was about half the diameter of a pencil was not the monster snake I was describing. Shows what he knows.